Whatever you do (Wherever you go)

Dear Gays,

I know that many of you were born in the nineties and other barely-feasible bullshit like that, so not all of you will understand the full implications of this sentence: lately, I've really been getting back into Hazell Dean.

Hazell Dean was an early success for '80s Hi NRG pop svengalis, Stock Aitken and Waterman (SAW). For the '90s kids who don't know who SAW were, imagine if the Black Eyed Peas had a child with Dennis Waterman. SAW's greatest triumph was going on to invent Kylie Minogue (not the whole thing, just the shit, permed bits.).

Before Kylie however, SAW were churning out a string of ruthlessly efficient, hexagonally-drummed, minor eurohits for H to the D, including such forgettable non-classics as Whatever I Do, Who's Leaving Who and Searchin' (Looking for Love).

Hazell Would singe the top 50 from time to time and made a substantial enough name for herself, but since her last big hit (1988 number 1 in South Africa, thankyou. Apartheid? Apartyheid!) she's rather faded away to a career that now largely consists of one sordid Scandanavian pride day appearance after another.

What's truly great about Deano nowadays, however, is that she appears to run and manage her own website. For a touch of that Geocities magic, check out www.hazelldean.net. As a document of faded, inconsequential stardom, it can hardly be beaten:

Look! Here's a photo of Hazell with Bonnie Tyler!

Here's one of Hazell and fellow SAW nowhere-nows, Brother Beyond* - taken at Amsterdam airport!

Wow! And here's a picture of Hazell with iconic electro ice king Gary Numan - dressed as a centurion!

Where the site comes into its own, however, is when you realise that Hazell clearly runs it herself, and never read the instructions on how to use it. Consequently, she doesn't know how to respond to questions posted on her guestbook forum. So she has set up a separate page where she posts the answers, resulting in the delightful experience of hearing only one side of the conversation:

Rhonda, thanks for your kind comments. I have not seen Sabrina in some time, but you must realise that standards were very different in those days.

Wayne and Gary - great to meet you! Go Blackpool!

Heinz - I have not played in Switzerland, so am not sure what you are referring to. Big Fun?

Also, do yourself a favour and check out her blog, which is full of obscure, gossipy tangents such as:

Sadly, I didn't get to see Sintta, but heard she whipped her kit off and looked fabulous as ever, despite her ankle injury.

(It's important to note that this sentence comes in the middle of a very long winded description of a gay pride night in Blackpool, in which there is absolutely no prior mention of Sinitta, or her blighted ankle - before or after).

Enough. I have to go now and inspect her gigs page. It's a very busy summer for Hazell, plenty of gay pride days to get around to. In the middle of it all however is "Seps 17 - Private Party" - gosh, what monied Arabian sheik wants the woman herself to frug to Maybe We Should Call It a Day for his birthday?

As a parting gift, here's Hazell covering Bon Jovi's Livin' On A Prayer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIeJAl5aQeg

* I can still remember, as a maturing teenager, taking some "private time" on a Sunday night, after watching Brother Beyond perform live on Countdown. Seems strange now, but you must realise that standards were very different in those days.